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Dear Doctor Robert,


My psychologist has made several sexual remarks. Commenting on being able to see my cleavage in a picture and admitting that he thinks of having sex with all his female clients and told me of a sex dream he had. When I questioned him about his comments he said I had a personality disorder and wanted me to go to a treatment center. No further explanation given as he has discontinued our sessions. We had a nine month therapeutic relationship and I slept at his home on three separate occasion for a weeks time. Two were for a workshop, one was a personal week. He made several sexual comments by phone and the therapist I am seeing now strongly advises me to report him. I gave him an opportunity to clear it all up and he has refused. I am a sexual abuse survivor and I don't know who to trust now. It is a really complex situation. I have never been in therapy before and thought it was all o.k. until I started reaching out for help to others and told them what had been going on. They say he is an abuser and I don't want to think of him in those terms, that really scares me. I'm really struggling with this mess. I relied on him and we became really close and now I feel alone. It took me thirty years to tell my secret and he knew everything about me, I feel alone now and I don't know who is telling the truth, who do I trust? I will never get the closure from him that I need. I cry all the time because I really miss him. he said he was my friend,my family and that he would never leave me by his own accord God willing. And now he is gone and I don't have answers to my question, I need answers from him to put this behind me and start to heal. He said he loved me and that I was very special to him and when I started to question him he became distant and he really hurt me. I'm alone now.


Sharon






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Hi, Sharon--

I agree with the people who told you that this guy is an abuser. As a so-called "therapist," this poor excuse for a man is a menace, not just to you, but to any woman who has the bad luck to consult him. Report him right away please.

And I am sorry for your suffering.

Be well.



Doctor,


Thank you so very much for the quick response. There was lots of cuddling and hugging in the sessions. I didn't feel uncomfortable, I really liked it but after he said that he thinks of having sex with all his female clients I wonder if to him it was sexual. The women at the shelter i meet with have told me he set me up from the beginning, knowing all my fears and how sick I was {Chronic pain} and my extreme shyness. They say he set out from the beginning with inappropriate thoughts. I wish I could talk to him,was any of it real? He was so kind to me. Am I a fool to not have seen it? So many questions, so many doubts.


Sharon




Hello again, Sharon--

The woman at the shelter is absolutely right. You have been a bit foolish, but that's no reason to blame yourself for any of this. You have simply been victimized by an unscrupulous creep who used his position of authority to abuse your trust. Obviously this is his well-worn method of getting his kicks—something he has done to many women, not just you. Of course it was sexual. To him it was all sexual--all about his pleasure, his hang-ups, his desire for playing around with women's bodies. This is all his fault, and none of yours. I repeat: Sharon, this is not your fault in any way whatsoever.

A so-called "therapist" who cruises for sex in his own consulting room is despicable and dangerous. Please report him to the authorities right away. And don’t talk to him again under any circumstances. He will only continue lying as he has from the start.

Be well.







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Hi again, Doctor Robert,

I couldn't sleep last night. I feel guilty because I fell in love with him and told him. I told him I have only loved two men in my life, my husband and him, told him he was my second true love. During the course of our relationship I also shared with him the details of a sexual dream I had of him, I felt disgusted and dirty and I cried through the session. He said it was normal that I had to tell him everything. I do not talk face to face very well so I express myself through words. I would tell him my fears and wants via email and he would call and go over everything. I always gave him complements on his looks, we exchanged pictures of our childhood and into our adult years. We also spoke of his childhood and his relationship with his family now. We shared so much. He said it made him feel good knowing there was someone out there that loved him as much as I do.

I confessed to him that I would have sex with him if he wanted to, this was in June after I told him that he is my second true love. That is when he told me that he thinks of having sex with all his female clients.

Some of the emails I sent him were very descriptive, I am ashamed for my behavior. I really loved him and trusted him with every feeling I had. I am worried that all my emails will be made public if I report him.

I feel I played a hand in this train wreck because I fed his ego with terms of endearment and offering sex. I told him in Jan that I was concerned that I was having inappropriate feelings for him, that I was falling in love with him and he said that was normal.

I have his email on what he said when I told him I loved him the first time. he wrote.

"The thing about transference is that there is positive and negative transference. the positive stuff is the love that you feel for me including the sexual desire and seeing me as wonderful, even falling in love feelings. The negative is when you are sure that I'm bailing on you, when you are sure that... Well you know the negative stuff. The interesting thing is that a lot of it comes from the past and is based on past needs, desires, wishes etc... So we transfer feelings from one situation or person onto another. Although there is real love and a real relationship between us, there is also the overlay of past wishes and needs. we have these kinds of feelings all the time...some of my clients find their boss reminds them of their father or mother. It is not that the boss is really anything like their father or mother. it is just a template in the brain of the person that creates the good mother or father, or the bad mother or father wherever they go. it usually means that there is work to be done and to be more mindful of the present."

I never saw my dad in Jon, my dad was a mean man, at the beginning I did wish he was my dad but towards the end even though I still wished he was my dad I thought of him as a man. I never saw my mom in Jon, ever.

I'm afraid that if I do report him I will sound like a love sick puppy that in the end got rejected.



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I am a married woman and I have confessed everything to my husband, except for the details on some of the emails that I sent Jon. To do that would only cause more pain for my husband, and I do love him so very much. While visiting Jon for the whole month of June, he suggested once that I pick up strange men to have sex with. That scared me, he knows strange men scare me,and that I have issues regarding sex.

I feel I am as guilty as he is because of the part I played in all that has happened. I really loved him. At the end when he started to act differently once I started to ask questions, I was so confused. Where as before he would speak openly to me now his words were guarded. After spending one of the weeks with him, I think it was Feb. he gave me one of his t-shirts to take home with me. Said that way when I was in lots of pain I could hold it and feel him near me. I thought it was a really sweet gesture.

I don't want to get in any trouble and I don't want to cause him trouble if it was partly my fault.

I am having such a hard time to put him in the same category as a monster. He was so kind and understanding. A monster hits you and makes you bleed. I'm actually frightened to think of him that way. If he set out in the beginning to hurt me, I'm crying as I type the words. He said he would never hurt me. I trusted him with my life. After my weeks stay in march I was so sad when I got home, the pain from all the surgeries was really bad and I missed him so much and everything seemed so dark, I cut my wrist.

While renting a home near his for the month of June I was so confused and sad over everything that was happening between us that I had thoughts of suicide. That is when I started to reach out to other people for help. What they said when I revealed a little of what has been happening scared me, made me start to doubt Jon. That is when I started to ask questions. Once I started to ask questions he started to withdrawal his affection towards me and that confused me even more. I felt like I was hurting his feelings. He never did answer my questions.

With everything that I said to him, both verbal and via emails and I asked for the cuddles, I just felt so good with him, so safe. Was it my fault?

During the first week visit I slept at his home, he went to hug me and I flinched. The next time he asked me if I was going to hug him back and I did, by the end of the week I could not stand to be apart from him. he was always right there. whenever I got out of the shower and was bundled in my robe he would hold me and smell my hair and said he could not believe how sweet I was. he said I always smelled so good. it was like that for the whole week. When I had to leave I cried in his arms, it was very hard to leave him. I thought I finally met someone that cared for me even though I was vomiting and shy and scared. He said I was brave and strong. he said all the right words, everything I ever wanted to hear.

Was it my fault. Did I set this disaster in motion by having inappropriate feelings for him? I told him I was sorry.

Sharon







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Sharon--

As I have written at many other places on my website, the feelings that a patient has for her therapist, which may include sexual attraction, and feelings of being in love, are a normal part of psychotherapy called "transference." The patient has no responsibility whatsoever to hide or control those feelings. In fact, therapy goes better when they are not hidden, but spoken about in the context of the therapy. But the therapist, on the other hand, has an absolute responsibility to avoid using the patient for sexual gratification, or any other kind of advantage. This is known to all psychotherapists, and is a part of the ethical cannon of psychotherapy all over the world. With two exceptions, psychotherapy must be one hundred percent in the service of the patient, and zero percent in service of the therapist's wants, needs, or desires. The two exceptions are the therapist's need to make a reasonable living, and the therapist's needs to do well at his or her work—to find satisfaction in a job well done. If the therapy involves any other of the therapist's wants or needs, it is a bad therapy, and the therapist is guilty of bad work, violation of trust, and possible malpractice.

Additionally, good therapists take extreme care in sharing any details of their personal lives with patients. And a real doctor would never talk about his or her own sexual desires---ever.

You are terribly mistaken in taking any responsibility for this. You were no more responsible for what happened than a young child is responsible when she is sexually abused by an adult.

Your therapist is a despicable person who has simply used and abused your trust in order to make a kind of pseudo-girlfriend out of you, and he should be ashamed of himself. He also should not be a therapist, and I hope that you will report him to the authorities so that he cannot continue perpetrating this kind of abuse upon other women who go to him trusting him to help them. I suggest also that you consult a lawyer about suing Jon for malpractice. Judging from what you have written, I think you have a very good case. This kind of behavior simply must not be tolerated, and now it is up to you to help stop it.

I suggest that you come totally clean with your husband to whom you still have been lying. You must tell your husband about the emails so that the fact of their being out there will not deter you from reporting Jon. Yes, you have been foolish, but that's not your fault. And you are nothing special—Horny Jon tries his seduction line out on all the women. Get over your guilt, stop adding further, unnecessary, self-inflicted suffering to what you already have suffered at the hands of Horny John, and do the right thing: report him.

Be well.







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Hello Dr. Robert

Thank you so much for your honesty. I let my husband read what you wrote as a way to break the ice. He does not want to know the details of the dream or the emails right now, he has a lot to digest. I am a fool for falling in love with another man and for not confiding in my husband. I'll never make that mistake again.

I'm really shy and I am always worried of rocking the boat, making anyone uncomfortable. Whenever Jon said an inappropriate thing I would bite my tongue, was always so terrified of losing the one person that I felt I could talk about anything with. Near the end, armed with the knowledge of how wrong his behavior was, I did speak up, It was very difficult and I was sobbing while doing it.

My husband and I are opening up to each other and I try to tell him what I am feeling instead of keeping it all inside. This is really difficult but we are both working on it together.

I have a sense of relief now that Jon is no longer my therapist. I was always so terrified of letting him down, of him leaving me. I still miss him but he wasn't real was he. He made himself out to be everything I needed and wanted, he is a con man and I was the perfect mark. I am a fool.

Thank you again for everything.

Sharon







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Sharon--

So happy to hear this. Yes, you have been foolish, but foolishness, if seen and understood, leads to wisdom, and you seem headed in that direction. I wish you and your husband the very best in restoring your love and commitment to one another.

Be well.






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It's Sharon again. I have written out the facts of all the incidents and have faxed it off to the B.C. board of psychologists. I did not put in Jon's full name as I am still having a great deal of trouble with reporting him.

I have to make sure I am doing this for the right reason. I know what he did was wrong, no doubt, but am I reporting him for the right reason.

Am I reporting him because he hurt my heart? He said he was my family and in the end he took that away. I do not have a good relationship with my biological family and that part of Jon was really special to me. I loved him.

Am I reporting him because of all the boundaries he crossed and to ensure he will not hurt another person.

Do you think it makes a difference why I am doing it?

I have been so stressed over the past two and half weeks thinking about this whole mess. I have lost another 10 pounds {I am down 40 now} and my hair is coming out and every time I get an email I am frightened that it is from him, every time the phone rings and the call display says "Private Number" I shake.

I have been getting strange sensations in my lower arms and my chest and head. i have trouble breathing when the sensation happens. I have been having chest pains, my Dr. has sent me for blood work and an ecg. I cry all the time and I have no one to talk to. I am having horrible nightmares that Jon is hurting me and everybody that I met through him is attacking me, hurting me, yelling and screaming the worst things at me and I am on the ground curled up in a ball crying. In my nightmare last night they stuck my dog on a spit over a fire and cut off her legs. She was still alive and screaming. I couldn't help her.I am not sleeping more than a few hours a day.

My psychiatrist cannot see me until August 10.

I tell my husband everything. He is concerned about my health but wants me to go ahead with the complaint.

Everybody says I should lodge the complaint but it is not that easy. If my husband were to do something really bad/illegal would I turn him in, I don't know. I would make sure he got help. How do I do this to someone I care a great deal about.

He will hate me, and blame me and say bad things about me, untrue things in order to defend his actions. It could get really ugly. I don't know if I am strong enough to defend myself against him.

If I go ahead with it his wife will be affected. She could get emotionally hurt.

This is just a great big mess and I want to do the right thing, I just don't know if I can.

I'm so tired.

Today is my 44 birthday and I was suppose to be at Jon's place this week to celebrate both mine and his wife's birthday and to attend another workshop.

I feel so alone. Everybody that I connected with through him has not contacted me at all since this mess happened. We use to email regularly. They said they were my family of choice and now everything I was led to believe is not real.

A Dr. from the B.C. board called me and asked me for Jon's full name. I told her I would call her today {Thursday}

I have attached a copy of the letter I sent.

I am terribly sorry for this intrusion on your busy schedule. I'm feeling really lost.

Thank you so much,

Sharon



Hello, again, Sharon--

Your motives for reporting this guy do not matter in the least. Reporting him eventually will help you, I am sure, even if right now it feels hard to do it, but that is not the point. You will report Jon not so much to help yourself, as to protect the many other women whom he will injure in the future, just as he has injured you, unless this pervert is stopped from playing "shrink."

You might think of sending a copy of our entire correspondence to the Board of Psychologists. Or give them a link to this page. That should explain things to them, including the full ugliness and criminality of this man, Jon, whom you continue to defend. And, if you will send me his full name and address, I will publish it right here on this page.

Wake up, Sharon! You speak of this man who has manipulated you, lied to you, jeopardized your marriage, and used your body as a little toy, as if he were somehow deserving of the same kind of protection you would give to your husband if he did something criminal. Jon is not your husband. He is a so-called "professional" who has acting in a totally unprofessional way, and, as a result, has caused you, a person who already had a history of sexual abuse, to be further injured—and deeply—by his brand of sexual abuse. Jon is no better than a child molester—in fact, he may even be worse. He must be stopped.

Sharon, stop waffling. There are no reasons at all not to report Jon, including his full name and everything he did to you. Just print out this entire web page and send it to the Board. If his wife suffers, that is Jon's fault, not yours. If Jon says bad things about you, just stick to your guns. The Board will get the picture, and this monster will be out of business.

This is my last reply, Sharon. There is nothing more to be said. If you remember the old slogan for Nike shoes, "Just do it!"

Please write again after you have reported Jon, and let me know what the Board has done.

Be well.





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Hello Dr. Robert,

He isn't a psychologist and he represented himself as one. Now I have to go through the whole complaint process again with the B.C board of counselors. He really faked me out. I am learning so much. he is trying to set up an online program to beginning in Sept 2010, it says to be a part of a successful established team of registered psychologists and clinical councilors. I wish I never met him.

Sharon








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Ah! At last the light comes on. Good for you. The man is a fraud and a serial sexual abuser who uses his bogus identity to collect money he has not earned and does not deserve while simultaneously victimizing the same women who are paying him. What a creep! And, boy oh boy, do you have a good lawsuit here. Go get 'em, Sharon. Make him wish he never met you.





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I have posted our entire correspondence as an object lesson for others. The first appointment with any psychological practitioner should be like a job interview, and you are doing the hiring. Ask about the training the therapist has received. Ask to see documents if you have any doubts. Ask questions about how the therapist works. Don't be a victim. It is your money and your life. Take a look at my advice on how to choose a therapist.

Then, if you still get stuck with a bad apple, do not doubt your own intuitions. If it doesn't feel right, leave right away and look for someone else. If any serious ethical violations should occur, walk out of the consulting room without explanation, and report the person right away.

Be well.







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