Dear
Dr. Robert,
After stumbling upon your website, I decided to write
to you.
I am 18 years old, and for a few years I have struggled
with depression and suicidal thoughts.
I can't exactly pinpoint
when they started. However, I started writing in a journal in 2004
(when I was 12) and on a date marked 2005 of that year, I first wrote
about my suicidal thoughts.
I can't remember if this occurred
before or after I wrote that entry, but I have several memories of
when I felt very depressed, lonely or had the urge to self-mutilate
or cause self-harm. One I remember clearly; I remember I had a very
strange day where I was feeling very confused and frustrated with
myself, although I remember at the time I could not figure out why. I
felt very lost and uneasy, for no apparent reason. I remember pouring
out some feelings of frustration to my mother, and telling her how
restless, anxious and frustrated I felt. She thought I was just
getting bored and restless of being inside the house and I recall her
making several suggestions as to if I wanted to perhaps go to the
park or go to McDonalds. I didn't want to do any of these things, and
as the day wore on I felt more restless and anxious. At one point in
the afternoon, I remember crying and my mom, frustrated with me said:
"What is that you want, exactly?" and I recall taking a
knife from our kitchen drawer and holding it close to my wrist and
saying "Killing myself!" My mother thought this was absurd
and laughed at me saying, "Well go ahead then!" I don't
remember what happened exactly after, but I know I didn't end up
hurting myself.
I also recall many instances in my childhood where
I had periods during which I felt extremely lonely and isolated, even
though I had several friends which I could call to play with.
In
2005, when I wrote that entry, my depressive thoughts had begun
to escalate. They have only gotten worse over the past five
years, and I begun to have anxiety attacks (at least I think that's
what they are) which I have hidden. I am able to control my emotions
somewhat until I go into the bathroom or my bedroom where I am by
myself and then I begin to have some kind of attack. I am unable to
control myself and cry uncontrollably, "screaming" silently
and usually scratch at myself. They are kind of difficult to explain.
I have no thoughts at the time or if I do have a thought it is one
that just goes over and over in my mind. I turn very red and shake
and basically cry and moan and feel as if I want to get out of my own
body. Sometimes I am uncontrollably angry during these periods and
damage things or have thoughts of wanting to injure or kill someone.
Sometimes these "attacks" last for long periods of time,
and sometimes they are shorter, lasting around 10 minutes.
Afterwards, I usually feel very numb and tired, and my mind feels
vacant.
This past year, I've been experiencing many problems
with concentration. I can't concentrate for long, which is a complete
contrast to last year. Last year, I was capable of studying for
incredibly large stretches of time. This year, I can barely study for
an hour and a half without getting restless, bored and losing all
concentration. I have also been having more of these anxiety attacks
and my suicidal thoughts are getting a lot more frequent. I
have also been more prone to bingeing on food and alcohol;
from October-December of this past year I went through a period of
going through frequent alcohol binges.
These
past few months I have been bingeing uncontrollably on
food. I feel like especially these past few months I have not been
myself at all; I feel more and more lost as to who I am and don't
feel like being around anyone. I get moody a lot and get those
anxiety/anger attacks. Today, I was doing some research online and I
decided to take an online test. It revealed that I was at a "very
high" risk of having borderline personality disorder. I took two
other tests which revealed the same results. I looked up the symptoms
for this disorder and I have 5 of them. I know they're just online
tests, but could I possibly have this disorder? Or could this just be
a period of my depression reaching a lower point?
Dear Anonymous--
As to your first question, the symptoms you mentions such as suicidal thoughts, depression, self-harming, loss of concentration on schoolwork, violent fantasies, the possibility of borderline personality disorder, and what you are calling "panic attacks," all seem serious enough to require a psychological evaluation. In fact any one or two of them even without the others would be enough to demand such an evaluation, and I suggest you ask you mom to help you get one right away. This should not be put off or delayed at all. I consider this urgent. If your mom has any doubts that this is necessary, please show her your letter and my reply.
As to the second part of your question, some of the things you mention might indicate early sexual abuse, or not. This is a very complex matter which can only be approached by means of the personal, face-to-face help of an expert psychologist. When you have the appointment to speak about your depression and related symptoms, along with the possibility of borderline personality disorder, you will also be able to discuss your worries about sexuality and possible sexual abuse.
Be
well.
