Dear
Doctor,
I
am Sreema from India. I was searching for dominating
mother-in-law (MIL) when I came across your blog. I am in a big
dilemma.. My mother-in-law is a very dominating person. SHe believes
that her sons money and everything he has belongs to her. And I have
seen that when my husband is with her or if I am away from him, he
obeys her like a child does.
Later
i came to know that my husbands first wife divorced him because of
the interference of his mother. Now i can really see why she left. My
husband's first wife was actually my mother-in-laws neice. I was
wondering that if her own neice couldnt tolerate her, how will i?
When
i went there alternative weeks with my baby during my stay in my
native place, she behaved as if she loves her neighbour's (her
brother's) grandchild more than my baby. Even when we were there, she
used to bring that baby every evening. I felt really hurt when she
gave my babys dress to that baby, and when i found out that she was
hiding my baby's toys so that she can give it to that child when we
are gone. I told her that it wont be possible for me to stay every
alternative weeks. I told her that my parents are dying to be with my
baby and they dont have any other grandchildren like my MIL. Then she
started crying and saying that how can we count on neighbours
children. (THat she has to think and not me!).
My
husband who was so sad to part with me when i was going home was not
deciding on taking me back with him. Mummy (MIL) was finding some or
the other reasons to keep me from going with him. She made him buy a
car for her with 3/4th of his savings. And she was making more and
more demands of money from him. I even felt that she has started
giving my paralysed father in law things that should not be given.
(Every system in his body is running with medicines and he has to
follow a strict diet). BUt i felt that now, she is giving him things
that is strictly a no-no for him. I could feel that she is in a hurry
to step into my and my husband's life by finishing off her sick
husband's affair. IT is becoz of him that she is still staying in the
native place and not accompanying us. Somehow i insisted and
succeeded in joining my husband.
There
is a job oriented course related to my area of studies in somewhat
far city from our native place which would help me earn a good job
there. I have asked my parents to look after my baby for time being.
(Still i know, if my baby is there, my MIL will try to take control
of him). BUt still, i want to get a job and establish my own
identity.
I
am still worried and getting depressed bcoz... I am going to miss
this sweet family life of mine.
I
wanted to share with you so that.. you can help me out with some
advice.. AM i doing the right thing?? WHat should i do? Please do
help me with a reply.. SOrry to write so much..
THankx
and regards\\
sreema R
Dear Sreema--
This is a difficult question for me because your cultural background is so very different from mine. If you were sitting in my office, I could ask questions and so get a sense of how seriously you take the customs of your sect, how difficult you would find a divorce, and other such inquiries. Since you are not in my office, I have two choices. Either I can tell myself that I do not have enough information properly to respond to your entreaty ("What should I do? Please do help me with a reply."), and so leave you without advice, or I can tell you what I might recommend to a woman from a background more like my own. After some thought, strongly influenced by the suffering I hear in your letter, I have decided to reply. However, please take my words with a grain of salt; they might not apply to your own life situation in a constructive way.
That
said, I think you should have a long talk with your husband. You
should tell him that the present situation is intolerable, and that
you refuse to accept it any longer. This conversation must not be an argument, but a calm explanation such as the one you have written to me. Don't demand anything. Instead simply insist that this way of life is no good for you, and that you do not intend to continue with it no matter what he says.
Explain to him, as you did in
your letter to me, that his previous wife was forced to leave him
because she could not tolerate his mother's interference in their
married life, and that you are well on your way to doing the same.
Tell him that he now must make a choice. Either he can continue being
mommy's good little boy, which includes allowing you to be insulted
and mistreated by mommy, or he can grow up, be a man, and treat you
as a real wife and partner, which means ignoring his mommy"s
plans, schemes, demands, and dictates entirely. This will include
explaining to her that you, not she, is his wife and life-partner,
and that you, not she, will be the center of his life henceforth. He
must be certain that this change in direction is explained to her in
explicit and unmistakable fashion, and must absolutely not leave it to you to battle
any longer with this shrewish virago of a mother-in-law. Make clear to him that your words constitue an ultimatum: If he does not immediately and fully change his ways,
you will divorce him. If he does not immediately speak to mommy in no
uncertain terms, you will divorce him. This must not be a threat, but an action which you fully intend to carry out unless everything changes right away. Then, if necessary, divorce him.
I understand that a divorce would be painful, but if you do not rectify this unworkable situation now, things will only get worse. As things stand now, your mother-in-law owns your husband's testicles, and if he does not get them back, your life will always be the kind of hell you have described in your letter.
That is my best advice, but it is the advice that I would give to a Western woman. You will have to decide how it fits into your Eastern life and customs.
Please let me know how this works out.
Be
well.
Dear
Doctor..
THank you so much for the reply.. Yes what you
said is right.. Cultural difference does keep me from thinking of a
divorce, for a second time. THat is totally impossible. But one thing
is also clear to me.. I tried to talk to my husband in all ways
possible.. and once he himself agreed that it is mother who is
responsible for his cousin divorcing him. but that was only for once.
He said his mother is like that but as long as his brother is in
United States, when his mother becomes single, she is his sole
responsibility. And he cannot throw her away anywhere as she is his
mother. THe fact that hurts me more is that his mother loves her
elder son more than my husband. He does not spend a penny on his
parents, puts all the responsibility on my husbands shoulders.. But
when it comes to the matter of owning the house, mummy wants to give
it to her elder son. I am least bothered about all that matters. I
have even said my husband that he should spend for his parents and
finance them. But I can sense the difference mummy has for her two
sons. She does not care to cook anything of my husband's choice when
we are there. But when her elder son is there, she is trying all
means to please him. One day she said that her elder son is not going
to settle in States but will come after some 10-15 years. That means
that until then I will have to put up with her.
My
husband once said that his sister in law (brothers wife) said that
even they were on the verge of divorce long before. She said that
when my husband got divorced by his first wife. BUt it is mutual
understanding that saved them from such a harsh decision. I know that
his brother will come 10-15 years later only becoz he wants to keep
his mummy at a distance. My husband does not understand anything. He
always wants to be home, and be with his mummy. I know very well that
mummy just want to exploit my husband. I got many clues to understand
that she loves her elder son and does not have any sentiments for my
husband.. But i dono why.. my husband is always trying to please her
and get her attention and love. He thinks that by spending money on
her and making her happy, she will love him more than his brother. He
does not realise that she is exploiting him and his brother is
exploiting all of them!
I am really sorry to talk this
way.. but.. i wanted to share my worries.. I will surely consider
your advice.. and once again give a try to talk to him when i get a
chance to point him out how mummy is insulting me..
Thanks
n regards
sreema.r
