Dear Dr. Robert,
I
have been married for one year. I have recently caught my
husband masturbating while watching porn. Since that day, I
have been watching him a little more closely and discovered
this is something he does every morning and at least once a day
if he thinks he is alone.
He tells me this is normal and that all
men do this. I am confused. This is a man that tells everyone
he is a Christian and makes a point to pray before meals with our
grown sons and family. He also spends 15 minutes in prayer
every morning before turning on his porn.
This is really beginning
to creep me out! Am I the one who needs therapy or is this
normal and something 'Christian" men do but just don't talk
about?
Regards,
DuBose
Hello, DuBose--
I
would like to reply to your question, but need more information.
Please tell me how your sex life with your husband is going. Are you
two actively having sex? If so, how often on average are you intimate
with one another. Does he seem satisfied when you do make love? And
do you enjoy sex? If I have that information, I can give you an
informed answer.
Be well,
RS
Hello,
Doctor, and thank you for getting back to me.
We
don't have much of a sex life. He gets up early in the morning,
takes a shower, shaves, gets completely dressed, reads his
bible--his 'quiet' time as he calls it, then spends about 15
minutes masturbating in front of the t.v. He then walks back
though our bedroom and kisses me good bye and tells me how much he
loves me.
I have complained many times to him about our sex life,
but he blames it all on our schedules.
This is our schedule:
He
leaves to go to his office every morning at 7:30. He is the
Founder/President and he is semi-retired. He leaves work at
4:00 every day to go to the gym where he works out for one hour,
takes an 30 steam, showers and is home by 6:15. We then
leave go to one of the three restaurants we frequent nightly. I
have to tell you the reason he doesn't feel like doing anything at
night is because he consumes a bottle of wine by himself with dinner
every night.
We
have grown kids, my husband is 63 in great shape and we certainly
don't have financial problems.
So, I guess what bothers me the
most is that I think he is such a hypocrite! How do you profess
to your family and friends what a good Christian you are, if you are
reading your bible one minute and then 5 minutes later you are
watching porn?
If it isn't financial problems, he has a wife
that wants to have sex and there are no family issues to speak of,
what is it?
DuBose--
As I understand your letters, there are two issues here. First, you are living in a sexless marriage, and second, your husband's habitual masturbation troubles you because it seems hypocritical in the face of his claims to be a "good Christian."
Let
me take the Christian part first. There are many versions and
interpretations of so-called "Christianity." Some people
who call themselves Christians devote their entire lives to helping
people in need who are suffering from lack of water, food, clothing,
shelter, and medical care, while others who call themselves by the
very same name are spending their time and money trying to influence
the Ugandan government to pass a law condemning to death anyone who
is a homosexual. Obviously, these two activities are polar opposites,
so either Christianity is a very large tent indeed, or the word
"Christian" doesn't really mean anything anymore, if
it ever did.
Take,
for just one example, the politicians of the secret Christian
brotherhood called "The Family," in Washington, D.C., whose members practice an
"elite fundamentalism" which maintains that merit and "goodness" in the eyes of "God" depends entirely upon political clout and
wealth, and which provides instant forgiveness for its powerful members
who commit misdeeds or crimes.
Since I am not personally acquainted with either you or your husband, the following suggestion should be taken with a grain of salt. If you think it will help, try it. If your marriage cannot survive real honesty, and you want to keep the marriage, you might need to keep quiet. That said, perhaps you could sit down with your husband and discuss this whole thing with him, but not from the standpoint of his "hypocrisy," which, as I say, is normal among every kind of religious believer (as well as many self-described atheists, for that matter, who habitually deny any belief in "God," but then begin to pray when faced with something really difficult). Instead, you might tell him that your marriage is suffering due to lack of sexual bonding, that you have needs for closeness and sensuality which masturbation cannot satisfy, and that you would like him to set aside the masturbation long enough to see if the two of you can still make something good happen.
Be well.
