Dear Doctor Robert,
Having read your website I have discovered that you are the best person to approach with something that has been a terrible burden for me for nearly 10 years. I will cut straight to the point, when I was younger (below 16, I can't remember exactly but I think about 13-14) I used to babysit (I played with them whilst my mother was elsewhere in the house) my mothers friend's children. They were both younger than me (male/female by about 4-6 years I think). The majority of our time together didn't involve anything sexual, merely normal sports play etc.
After a long while of knowing them we somehow got to a stage of exposing ourselves to one another, it didn't happen often and never went further than dropping our trousers and then pulling them back up. In one occurrence myself and the elder male child did the same thing but he asked to touch me and we ended up touching one another which I found arousing at the time. At the same time I remember curiously searching for illegal materials online but thankfully stopped immediately. After this I approached him and attempted to initiate, but he said no and ever since that point onwards it never happened again, despite them trying to initiate afterwards (I said no, it was wrong etc). Prior to his refusal and during the episodes there were instances that I looked forward to doing it, again these were not frequent and ended at the exact same time the events did.
Now I feel as though I am somehow abnormal and sick and somehow a pedophile despite the fact I am neither aroused by children or have the desire to try and force myself sexually upon them, I have absolutely no sexual feelings towards them what-so-ever but constantly bring these events up as some sort of proof, despite the fact I was both a child and completely unaware that what I was doing at the time was wrong, even though it did feel good at the time.
I hope this hasn't been too long winded as I am aware you prefer to read through shorter e-mails and I will dearly appreciate if you take time out of your busy schedule to respond to me.
Kind Regards
Sam
Sam--
You are not a pedophile. Your behavior at 13-14 years old was a stage you went through during sexual maturation, and, given that presently you have no such desires, does not indicate a propensity towards pedophilia.
My advice is to put this out of your mind, and simply get on with your life, including an adult sex life.
Be well.
Dear Doctor Robert,
Thank you for such a prompt reply, I am deeply grateful for you response. Just hearing from somebody else that I am not some horrible sexual deviant makes all the difference and already it feels as though a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders, it is comforting to know also from reading your website that it is actually fairly normal behaviour. Whilst I am sure I can't drop guilt just like that, I feel this is the start of me being able to move on having being able to tell somebody else alone is a big step forward for me. Hopefully I will no longer feel as though I am carrying around some big dirty secret that makes me a horrible person, though in truth I know I am not.
Again I must say a huge thank you for your reply, I feel this is really what I needed to help let the past go and move on without a feeling of guilt lingering at the back of my mind waiting to come toe the fore when ever I felt low. I am glad I was determined enough to get over this hurdle and to e-mail you and get it off my shoulders.
Many kind regards,
Sam
