In the Relationship Question
thread, Jennifer said "How
do you get rid of shame when you feel it even though you did nothing
wrong?"
This is exactly what I've been thinking about
today, although mostly in terms of religion... I had a pretty
religious upbringing - Catholic parents, a Catholic (2 years) and
then an ultra-conservative Christian (Protestant) boarding school (4
years). These are the types (conservative Christian) who when I see
them now ask questions like "how is your walk with the
Lord?"
These days, I certainly wouldn't call myself a
"believer" - but there is often that nagging feeling like
I'm damned for all eternity for rejecting it. That I'm failing God
and my kids and everybody for not sticking with that faith. There is
a Bible verse (in Revelation 3) that talks about being lukewarm
"neither hot nor cold" — that being so would make God
vomit you out of his mouth. This verse has haunted me for years! I go
through phases of real fear about "eternal death" — i.e.,
separation from God (as I was taught death is defined).
I tell
myself I don't believe it, but if I don't why do I still feel such
guilt for ridiculous little things?
I usually feel pretty
hostile toward people of faith (any faith - my sister is a devoted
Muslim), but is this because it hits too close to home? How do I just
not care?
Hi, EvangelineMade—
A very
good question which applies in one way or another to almost
everyone.
Children are programmed to have ideas, opinions, and
views, including religious ones, long before they are old enough to
test any of that received knowledge or to inquire within themselves
whether it is true or not. Before a certain age, in other words,
children believe without question whatever they are told. Once you
believe something, whether it is true or not, that belief becomes a
part of what you call "myself," which is part of the reason
that I keep mentioning the importance of inquiring into what "I"
am, what "myself" really is. Is it my ideas and beliefs? Or
is it something else, something deeper
, and ideas and beliefs are
just an appearance on the surface of that something else?
Now
this kind of programming—the child is told something and believes
without question—takes place not just with regard to religion, but
in regard to all of the child's views. In other words, the child's
entire worldview is put there by parents and the larger
community at large (primarily functioning through the parents when
the child is very young). If you were born into a family of white
southerners at a certain time in American history, for example, you
automatically believed that African Americans were inferior people.
You believed that they were lazy, untrustworthy, and less intelligent
that you and your white friends. Probably you called them by the
now-forbidden "N word," if not aloud, at least to yourself.
Then, finding yourself an adult, and meeting black people who were
not lazy, who were trustworthy, and who were not less,
but more intelligent, your worldview was thrown into conflict.
Of course, if you were deeply programmed enough, you would never even
meet someone like that. In the first place, you would avoid such
people—the ones with darker skin—and, in the second place, even
if you did run across such a person, you would not see her
qualities, only the color of her skin. Do you see how this is exactly
parallel to the situation of the Christians in your life? In the
first place, they avoid "pagans," and atheists, and, in the
second place, if they do happen to meet a non-believer, all they see
about that person is the non-belief in "God," not anything
else.
But suppose that your programming did not "take"
to that extent, so that you do begin to question it. And, suppose
that you are intelligent enough, and honest enough to admit that the
racist views were wrong, but somehow you were still affected by them.
This is a conflict, and this conflict could cause shame. If you were
stupid, dishonest, and stubborn in clinging to your programming, the
racist views would not cause shame, because you would
banish any doubt which arose, and insist to yourself that blacks
really were inferior. In other words, it is only the more open-minded
people who begin to be troubled by the conflict between childhood
programming and reality. Congratulations, EM, on being among the more
open-minded among us.
Now your case is difficult. You received
this training as a child, and it penetrated deeply, so deeply, in
fact, that you still believe it. You say that you would not call
yourself a believer, but then go on to suggest that really you are
"luke-warm," which is not the description of a non-believer
at all, but someone who does believe, but has certain doubts. If you
could get rid of the doubts--or more exactly the doubts about your doubts--you would lose the guilt and the fear of
eternal death. You understand that, so you are asking how to get rid
of the guilt and fear. "How do I just not care?"
You
will always care until you are clear in your adult
mind—completely clear—that your childhood programming was a bunch
of preposterous nonsense which was forced upon you when you were too
young to know any better—too young to know it was preposterous. Do
you want to attain that clarity, or would you like to remain
luke-warm? Sitting on the fence, as you are, can be uncomfortable
(guilt, fear), but it does have one big advantage: you do not have to
grow up and use your own adult powers to examine your beliefs. You
can remain, intellectually, a child. You can remain intellectually
lazy. This is a choice you, and only you, can make.
If you
want to grow up intellectually, I suggest that you begin a serious
inquiry into the truth or falsity of this "God" story with
which you have been programmed so deeply. Here is what you should
read:
First, Sam Harris, "The End of Faith."
Second,
Christopher Hitchens, "God Is Not Great: How Religion Poisons
Everything"
If you can read and understand both of these
books, you will then have the right kind of information to carry on a
reasonable argument, instead of an emotional one, against the
religious programming with which you have been saddled. The emotional
argument is a losing argument—one you cannot win. The intellectual
argument, assuming you have prepared yourself to have it—you
prepare by reading these two books (don't be lazy)—can be a
winner.
A last word of advice: if you do decide to grow up
intellectually, do not discuss any of this with anyone who is a
believer. Do not argue with anyone about this. Just let them be. This
is only about you, and no one else.
Be well.