Dear
Dr. Saltzman,
I am a male in my mid-20s, living in the US.
Recently, I began to remember a series of events that took place when
I was much younger, about 9 or 10 years old. I was living in my
country of birth at that point (we emigrated several years later).
That year, I was molested by an older girl who lived in the same
apartment building. She was about 14 or 15 or so, and had a
reputation for being somewhat deranged. She took me to the rooftop of
the apartment building, where she took off her clothes and forced me
to do the same. She then had me put my genitals in surface contact
with hers. There was no penetration, and I wasn't aroused--at that
age, I had no idea what those concepts even meant. I thought at the
time that this was simply a sort of game.
It is what followed next
that fills me with very intense guilt and self-loathing. Later that
year (a month later? two months?), I found myself alone in a room
with my niece, who is five years younger. I asked her if she wanted
to play this "game" (which is what I thought it was at the
time); when she agreed, we put our genitals in surface contact with
each other. As with the older girl, there was no penetration, nor was
I aroused in any way. In fact, I knew nothing of sex.
It only
happened once. I asked first, was not forceful, and did not act with
malice. About two years later, I asked her if she remembered the
incident; when she said yes, I asked her not to tell anyone. As far
as I know, she never did.
At age nine, none of these events
were sexual in nature for me. Yet...even today, thinking about it
fills me with very intense shame, guilt, and self-loathing. How could
I do something like that to someone, let alone a relative?
(my
niece and I are on good terms today, but I'm not sure if she
remembers this event. I worry it might affect her subconsciously in
some way.)
I have forgiven the older girl...but I'm not sure if I
can, or should, forgive myself. I have a hard time looking people in
the eye, lest they think I'm some sort of monster. Even trying
to think of myself as "a good person" seems impossible at
the moment. I have never been in a relationship or experienced
intimacy, largely because of the guilt. I can't see myself as being
deserving of it.
The guilt is extremely intense, and I honestly
don't know what to think anymore.
Anthony--
If
you will read your own letter as if it had been written by
someone else, I think you will see that your guilt is unreasonable.
Since you are familiar with my website, there is no need to refer you
to the articles I have written about childhood sexual development and
how adults must let themselves off the sexual-guilt-hook regarding
ordinary childhood sexual experiences such as yours. If reading this
personal reply now plus already having read those other items does
not alleviate your guilt so that you may begin enjoying your life and
your sexuality, you should seek the help of a good counselor or
therapist as soon as possible.
Be well.
