ask dr-robert

ask dr-robert ask psychologist todos santos ask psychologist dr robert saltzman





 

Dear Dr. Robert,

 

I think you are an amazing human being and I come to you for some issues I have been struggling with.

 

I am a young professional (performing artist ) who kept falling for the wrong men in the past. (the married men who are charming and manipulative)  Although I kind of knew why because they don't really bother me as much as the single guys.   I don't really get attached to them too deeply, just for some good times, because I was trying to focus the most on my studies (career ) at the time.  Please don't get me wrong, I am a really good girl and selective, still a little naive. I didn't experience my first time until I was 24,

 

 

 Even this last one I think that all of his qualities strike me as my soul mate the one I want to be with but he is married.  We have such strong powerful chemistry and passion, that I 'd never experienced before.   ( That is beyond anyone's imagination,  like we could never get enough or tired of each other .)  We both think the each other is very beautiful and that never really happened to me before.  It was always the men would admire  and attracted to me much more then I would admire them.   I was never sexually attracted to anyone like this before in my whole life.  I am just afraid that I 'll never will be able to meet any one like that again .

 

I know it is wrong dating married men, and I've been trying to break this pattern. I know for a fact from now on, I will not see another married man any more.  But that last one leaves such a strong impact on me, or expectation, that will be very difficult for me to find fulfillments in the future.  

 

It is like the (right Love , wrong time )  He used to say to me that he wished he had met me before he was married.   We were born in the wrong time. 

 

It really makes me sad to think about it makes me more lonely.  All the good ones are taken.  I've been on some dates with other single young men, but still haven't met anyone I could fall in love with.  and I am already 30 ys old.  What shall I do , Dr .Robert ?

 

Did I miss my soul mate ? Is he already taken or was that last one really my soul mate but married?

I  need your advise. I really appreciate your help.

 

Liz







ask dr-robert





Hello, Liz--

First, thanks for the compliment. I don't know if you will still consider me "an amazing human being " after reading my reply, but, as always, I will respond to your question with complete honesty, and just let the chips fall where they may.

You say that you know it is wrong to date married men, but that is what you have been doing habitually. You have been doing over and over again what you say you knew was wrong. And you felt no guilt about it. You still don't. You have been interfering in other women's marriages, and doing it just because you found it convenient and amusing ("just for the good times"), without ever giving a single thought to the harm that you might be doing.



ask dr-robert




You say that you are a "good girl and selective," but your selection process seems always to have selected married men. What is "good" about that? Until now, you thought there was no price to be paid for doing what you knew was wrong, but now you find out that there is a price. This time you have fallen in love, and will end up disappointed and lonely. What else could you expect when you began an affair with a married man which then turned serious?

You say that "all the good ones are taken," but that is nonsense. There are millions upon millions of good men and good women who are single and hoping to meet someone they can love. I know this for a fact because it comes up in my practice all the time.





ask dr-robert




In reality, Liz, you have not been looking for a "good one" you could have as a lover and possible life mate; you have been looking for married men to have sex with so as to avoid commitment. You have said as much, and so you have not been a "good one." There are countless good single men, but you are not likely to find one until you are good, and so far you have not been good at all. Your sexual behavior has been all wrong, and you knew it, but kept on anyway, not caring a damn about who might be hurt by your playing around, and there is nothing "good" about that at all.

Now, that said, and I hope you heard it, on to the feelings that you have about this particular man with whom you have fallen in love for the first time. You say that he is your "soul mate," but I think that is just a rather foolish romantic fantasy. Do you really imagine that there is just one perfect person in this entire world of billions of human beings who is your so-called "soul mate?" The soul mate idea goes back to the Greek philosopher, Plato, who imagined that the original human being was half male and half female, but had been split in two, and that the two halves were forever trying to find one another and be rejoined. I believe this is true in a certain metaphorical sense (in that male and female are attracted and want to be joined), but I certainly do not imagine that you and your new man (who is cheating on his wife) actually were once joined (perhaps in a previous reincarnation?!), were split apart, and now must rejoin or else you will never find anyone whom you can love. That seems like nonsense to me.

Yes, your story sounds romantic, but the passion and excitement you say you feel, and the notion that this one particular man (who is a sexual cheat) and you are perfect for each other, and no one else could possibly be that good for you, are illusions, the kind that appear at the beginning of a relationship, but fade away as the realities of actual living begin to demand attention. This man already has a woman, but she is less interesting to him than when he first met her, so now he looks elsewhere for his sexual thrills. Your sentimental fancies of perfection and undying love are part of what an old client of mine, an attractive woman who had sexual problems similar to yours (always the mistress, never the beloved), used to call the "glitter phase," meaning that after a while the illusion of perfection would get a bit shopworn, and the two lovers would have to face up to the fact that each was a flawed human being who was neither always lovable nor always easy to get along with. This man, who once loved his wife enough to marry her, is now tired of her and bored with his married life, and so he is fooling around with you. What makes you think that the same thing would not happen again if somehow you could force him to abandon his wife and marry you?





ask dr-robert




Because you have never loved anyone, but only thought of your own pleasure, you don't have a clue about any of this, and that is why you are so confused. Your selfishness is the source of your confusion. All you care about is what you want. No wonder you can't find a good single man. Why would a man like that want a woman like you anyway?

You say that you are already thirty years old, and I understand that to mean that you feel it is getting late for you to find a good match, so that the loss of this particular man will be even a greater loss than it would have been if you were younger. But all that is your doing. Liz. You are the one who has been playing around with unavailable men in order not to get involved. That was your choice--you looked for them, you found them, you made love with them, you wasted your time with them (time that might have been spent learning to love)--and now you must live with it. If you see this, perhaps you will understand that the time for playing around as you have been doing must be brought to an end.





ask dr-robert




You asked for my advice. Here it is: Liz, stop your playing around with this married man (as you say you want to do) right away. If you know it is wrong, stop it. Wake up from your egotistical dream. Start being an honest, upstanding woman, and then, with some luck, eventually you may meet someone who will be both available, and a good mate for you. If you can't do this on your own steam, get some help.

Be well.


 




To comment about anything relevent to this website, or to read the remarks of others,

visit the dr. robert forum.






Check out a full listing of "ask dr. robert" in the archives.




Robert Saltzman's Profile
Robert Saltzman's Facebook Profile


to tell a friend about this page
his or her name:
his or her email:
your name:
your email:
(all information remains private)


link to dr-robert.com from your webpage, newsgroup, discussion forum, or blog.


return to ask dr-robert archives



This website is certified by Health On the Net Foundation. Click to verify.






page last modified October 15, 2009

copyright robert saltzman 2009 all rights reserved