Hello,
Doctor,
I would just like to say, first of all, that you are on of
the most intelligent people I have ever met... (You know what I
mean).
Over the past 3 weeks I have been having weird thoughts about killing my mother or myself, But, The most important thing is I don't actually want to, I love my mother would do anything to protect her and I just wish these odd thoughts would go away.
I
am only age 17, I am home tutored by my mother after leaving school
at age 13.
I really love her and do not wish to hurt her or
myself, but these thoughts are always there at the back of my mind,
like urges, I try and suppress them and that seems to make them
worse.
They
also have been, about Insulting God, Blasphemy, I am not a christian
but do believe theres a god or just dont want to believe we are all
alone, So thats something I wouldnt want to do, But I did. I said
over and over again, God Isnt Fucking Real!
So I thought hang
on, If I am saying that and that was one of those weird thoughts
whats stopping me from Killing myself as that is another "Thought"
of mine.
These are really tormenting me and I feel so guilty
and I love my mother so much, I would never dream of hurting her.
I have told her about these thoughts about suicide and
killing her and she says, Its ok because they are just Normal
Thoughts that everyone has at some time but they just dismiss them,
But shes never had them which leads me to believe shes just trying to
make me feel better which isn't helpful despite her intentions. They
have become like an Obsession If you could call them that.
Also
something trivial I thought might be of help is I hate knives,
Whenever I see one in the kitchen I will have to put them out of
sight and If I dont I will start to feel uncomfortable.
I really apologise for the length but Its hard to cram all of
that down any smaller.
Please, Please tell me if they are
normal, abnormal or If I need help!
Thank you,
Charlotte
A.
Hello, Charlotte--
Your mother is wrong about this. Your thoughts are not normal. "God isn't real" certainly is a normal enough thought, and may even be a fact, but your insistent and unwelcome fantasies of suicide and matricide are not. It is clear from your words that you are feeling frightened and tortured by your thoughts and terrorized by feelings which seem dangerous and out of control.
You need some help with this. Please speak seriously with your mother. Tell her that you are having disturbing thoughts, and are worried about yourself. Tell her that you want to talk with a psychologist about what is troubling you. If she seems doubtful, or tries to explain your problem away as normal, insist. Make her believe you. Make her get you the help you need.
Be well.
